A Snooty Vegan’s Very Incomplete Guide to Fast, Fast Casual and Casual Restaurant Chains

Go for the bathrooms. Or don’t. Hold it in. I don’t care. Go vegan.

Credit: Unsplash

Quick note: I haven’t been to all of these chains’ bathrooms. Also, I am not sure why I wrote this.

Arby’s

Not only is Arby’s Jon Stewart’s favorite punchline, I have a vague pre-vegan memory of sticky booths, something called Horsey Sauce (???) and it being the kind of place you could eat at on babysitters’ wages, which, not coincidentally, was what I was earning the last time I ate there.

McDonald’s

Decent bathrooms in a pinch.

That’s all I’ve got.

Burger King

It smells extra charred in here. Beggars can’t be choosers but unless I’m in the middle of nowhere and I have a four-alarm bathroom emergency, I avoid them.

Taco Bell

The main thing I know about Taco Bell is there’s a kind of secret handshake wink-wink, nudge-nudge language for ordering vegan (“fresco” means dairy-free, I guess, which is pretty easy but it fills me with anxiety for some reason so I do not make a run for this border). I also know that vegans kind of lost their…