Dear Miley Cyrus, There Is No Such Thing As A Brain Type

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“On Saturday night, we all went out to eat
But I can never decide, so someone chose sushi
I got soup, and I ordered rice
But watching my friends eat my friends ruined my appetite.” Miley Cyrus, Pablow the Blowfish

Hi, Miley,

We don’t know each other but I couldn’t help but see that you were on some famous guy’s podcast and have since gone the way of countless celebrities who tried veganism on but decided to have a messy public breakup with it. Specifically, you said, “…I was vegan for a very long time and I’ve had to introduce fish and omegas into my life because my brain wasn’t functioning properly.” You told the podcast dude that he couldn’t be vegan and “be this quick.” (This guy who claimed that wearing masks is “for bitches” during the middle of a highly transmissible, deadly pandemic? Real sharp, that one.)

It’s an interesting choice that you would start eating fish again when your blowfish Pablow was apparently your gateway into veganism. Interesting as in weird, sad and confusing. I remember when I first saw you sing that song, and, jaded as I am, I was touched. I thought, this is someone who really gets it. (“Once burned, twice shy” is apparently not in my vocabulary.) But I don’t want to focus on that. As a multi-multi-millionaire from a wealthy family, you have access to all the best nutrition advice, tailor-made for you exclusively, and chefs and personal dietitians who would love to work for you yet you decided to pull something out of the same discount bin of Vaguely Bad-Sounding Maladies that has the grubby fingerprints of so many other erstwhile vegans. Kind of unoriginal, don’t you think?

What I want to focus on, though, is that you said that your “brain type” was being starved of nutrients as a vegan. I am not a medical expert nor an expert on neuroscience but I do know one thing: the notion of “brain types” is pretttttttty bogus from what we understand about brain anatomy, unless it’s something that your now fish-fueled mind has access to and is unavailable to my apparently depleted grey matter. Does your cerebrum have three or four hemispheres instead of my paltry two? Is there a rave going on in your neocortex while Muzak plays in mine? Does your frontal lobe include the executive function of advanced bullshit artistry that is off-limits to the likes of me?

One could persuasively argue that there are “different brains” with regard to psychological, personality and other cognitive or processing matters, but as far as I know, there are no “brain types” in the sense that there are blood types. Again, Miley, you may be so advanced and sharp now that you have access to information that would melt my feeble plant-based brain but if you could afford access to that, couldn’t you have gotten a dietitian who would have told you to add flax to your smoothies? According to this Naturopathic Doctor, you could have easily done that without selling out the animals.

So while you may have helped the entrepreneurial types who are now busily working on their “Eat for Your Brain Type” business plans, I think what you mainly did was offer an already tired new excuse to the millions of people you reach through your platform to continue ravaging our oceans and treating animals as insensate objects, as means to our ends, while the world burns.

My brain might not be as sharp as yours, Miley, but I understand the basics of anatomy as well as what we are doing to the animals and our planet through our stubborn insistence on eating them. I know a rubbish excuse when I hear one. You had every opportunity to not defile the memory and lived experiences of Pablow and all the other living beings re-named as “food” in our world but you chose the easier path. The path where people pat you on the back and thank you for not being one of those “crazy vegans” anymore.

You are going to have to live with this and I am guessing your special brain type will help you justify it. In the meantime, I will keep defending the Pablows of the world, even if you have jumped ship.

Most sincerely,

Marla Rose

PS — By the way, consuming mercury via fish is not so good for your brain health no matter your “brain type,” just FYI.

Marla Rose is co-founding partner of VeganStreet.com and VeganStreetMedia.com. Please follow on Medium to get updates when each new article is posted and find us on Instagram.

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Marla Rose is a Chicago-area writer and co-founder of VeganStreet.com and VeganStreetMedia.com.

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