1. St. Prudence
The Patron Saint of Judgment
St. Prudence is the one we call upon when we are feeling disapprovingly towards others in a way that we know is counterproductive to our message being well-received.
Sample prayer: “Oh, glorious St. Prudence, you have helped me to remember that I am still alive whenever I feel judgment because everything else has been numbed. At this moment, I am asking for your guidance and wisdom in releasing my hostility in a manner that is productive and helpful rather than alienating. I am asking for you to look over me, St. Prudence, and steer me to patience and equanimity at family and office meals, especially with the guy who keeps saying “Mmm…bacon.” Tonight, I will light a candle to you, St. Prudence, when I am blessedly alone, and I can safely let all my judgment pour freely. Until then, thank you for your grace and example.”
2. St. Faith
The Patron Saint of Potlucks
St. Faith is the saint whose presence sanctifies collective meals, especially potlucks. St. Faith is who we call upon when the pandemic is over and gatherings over shared meals can commence again.
Sample prayer: “Dearest St. Faith, we call on you to oversee the best hygiene practices amongst those who have gathered here, both in the preparation of their offerings and in how they transfer food to their plates. Let those who bring a half-eaten bag of stale tortilla chips but devour everyone else’s contributions get lost on the way. Please, St. Faith, let there be no more than seven different kinds of hummus, and let me not be seated next to the guy who complains the whole time that everyone goes to potlucks, no one leaflets with him. Thank you, St. Faith.”
3. St. Hope
The Patron Saint of Empty Grocery Shelves
One of our newest saints, St. Hope was quickly entered into the Canon of Vegan Patron Saints during these days of product shortages.
Sample prayer: “St. Hope, benevolent savior of meals, I humbly ask you to see to it that vegans and all the vegan-curious are provided for with ample cashew cheese, ovum-less eggs and burgers fashioned out of pea protein. Yea, though I walk through the once-plentiful grocery section that has been stripped bare by hungry shoppers, I pray to you, St. Hope, that our needs are met when demand no longer outstrips supply. Though I have seen days when off-brand or silken tofu was the only kind available, St. Hope, please let those lean days help me to grow in gratitude and to be a better planner. Most of all, please let there be an abundance of meat, dairy and egg substitutes so we never experience this kind of scarcity again. Amen.”
4. St. Nikon
The Patron Saint of Food Photography and Selfies
Also newer to the Canon (no pun intended), St. Nikon is the one we call upon to look over our vegan food, selfies and other miscellaneous inspo.
Sample prayer: “I pray to you, St. Nikon, to ensure the best possible light and composition. Guide me to choose filters that complement but are not too obvious. Most of all, St, Nikon, I ask that you please assist with something that I shoot to be seen and shared by the viral load because I spent seven hours making that bowl of pasta last week and it got 22 likes. Oh, St. Nikon, I am near the end of my rope and I ask your benevolent spirit to send me strength, followers and a book deal.”
5. St. Patience
The Patron Saint of, well, Patience
Vegans may call on St. Patience in moments of peak annoyance.
Sample prayer: “Oh, St. Patience, I am calling on your example to guide me when my coworker buys a puppy from a breeder despite all my information and someone in the office decides to heat up whatever random meaty, splattering nastiness in the microwave. St. Patience, I am asking you to see me through Thanksgiving most of all. Thank you.”
6. St. Temperance
The Patron Saint of Those With Too Many Adopted Animals
St. Temperance helps us to know when enough is enough, not that we listen.
Sample prayer: “Glorious St. Temperance, please guide me to renounce further adoption until I get a handle on who is going out of the box and who keeps puking on my bed. Help me to remember to not make the sound of a water mister (“Psst! Psst!”) every time I get annoyed and allow me to have one sweater without fur all over it for my next important work call. Speaking of video conferencing, St. Temperance, I ask for your heedful care in making sure that Otto doesn’t rub his butt right where the camera is on my laptop again, and that the dogs aren’t playing tug-of-war with my underwear in the background. Again. Amen.”
7. St. Ernest
The Patron Saint of Activists
We call upon St. Ernest to oversee our activism.
Sample prayer: “St. Ernest, I ask that you protect me in my activism: May my protest signs and pamphlets be where I last remember putting them, may the megaphone still have working batteries, may it not be too long to get to the protest or too expensive to park, may the weather conditions be favorable to standing outside for long periods, may my shoes remain a good choice, may the hecklers be few and easy to ignore. In humble gratitude, St. Ernest.”
8. St. Constance
The Patron Saint of Those Who Feel Embarrassment at the Shenanigans of Fellow Vegans
St. Constance is called upon to relieve our discomfort when vegans do really embarrassing things.
Sample prayer: “Dearest St. Constance, I ask for your guiding spirit to help me overcome the impulse to wince and hide when vegans behave badly in person or on social media, when they are more interested in getting attention than in thoughtful conversations, when controversy is the end game, not constructiveness. St. Constance, please help me to remember in these moments that the only one whose behavior I can control is my own, even when I am so done with these thirsty jokers. Thank you.”
Who would you induct into the Canon next?