Five Simple Questions to Determine What Kind of Defensive Omnivore You Are

There are many excuses for eating animals but over these past nearly 25 years, I have observed some archetypes and recurring themes of the most stubbornly resistant. Take this quiz to find out what kind of defensive omnivore you are or you are dealing with.

To find your answer, write down the letter that corresponds closest to the attitude. Pen and paper ready? You’re good to go!

By the way, yes, it’s judge-y. Yes, it’s petty. Yes, it’s condescending. Is there a problem?

1. What is the first thing you want a vegan to know?

A. I had a vision in my sweat lodge that I was a vegan in my former life and it caused my chi to dampen and I died, which is why in this life I eat meat but I always bless it and give thanks for it. Any bad vibes are burned off through my daily chakra fine-tuning, though. Peace!

B. Dude, you only live once, so, like, why even bother? Nothing we do makes a difference anyway.

C. If a lion had you in his clutches, you’d be meat, too. Don’t you know that? We’re all worm food eventually anyway but right now, we’re at the top of the food chain. It’s the natural order.

D. I’m going to do what I am going to do because that is my personal right, so you’d better mind your own business and stop trying to dictate what other people do. You’ll have to pry meat out of my cold, dead hands.

E. I was a hardcore vegan for three months and I coughed once, which caused my kidney to lodge itself in my throat and I almost choked to death.

F. Anyone who’s vegan will never enjoy the gustatory bliss that is roasted lamb’s stomach stuffed with goat cheese and fava beans and basted with chianti.

G. Who would be vegan when you can just eat cruelty-free meat like me?

H. You should read the Bible.

2. Why aren’t you vegan?

A. Because my blood coach told I need meat due to being o+ type and also I am 1/32 Cherokee so I must honor my ancestral roots. It really isn’t up to me.

B. Because everything will kill you and why does any of it matter when nothing really matters but, hey, if you think being vegan makes a difference as this planet circles the drain, go for it. I’ll be over here eating my cheeseburger.

C. Because lions. And canine teeth. And everything has its season.

D. Because I can think for myself, unlike those kale-eating automatons who let the Deep State dictate their every thought. I refuse to conform to the status quo! Let The Man come and arrest me.

E. Because I once had a roommate who was a vegan and he was a real asshole.

F. Because life is too short to deny yourself authentic Swiss sheep’s milk cheese curdles that have been hand-dried by yodeling shepherdesses.

G. Because somewhere I read that ethical omnivores actually save more chickens, cows, pigs, fish, etc. by eating them, their byproducts and their offspring as long as we buy them from avant-garde butchers and upscale restaurants.

H. Never mind me. You really should read the Bible.

3. What do vegans get wrong?

A. Are they chanting? Because if they’re not chanting, that’s what they get wrong.

B. That nothing literally matters: eat animals; don’t eat animals. Care about the world; don’t care about the world. Stand up for something; don’t stand up for anything. Just…whatever. Are we done yet?

C. Survival of the fittest, baby. If a lion wants to kill me, so be it.

D. First they’re gonna come for your meat and the next thing you know, you’re just a puppet for the Illuminati and Jewish overlords to do their bidding as they establish a New World Order, so no thank you. I know my bunker is going to be fully stocked with dehydrated meat and I’d recommend you do the same.

E. That, like, I tried to be vegan but I sprained my foot and ended up on life support because I got too weak and needed blood transfusions around the clock. The priest read me my last rites. It happens.

F. Life without foie gras, calf heart and buffalo milk cheese on homemade bread made from my great-grandmother’s 100-year-old sourdough starter is a life not worth living.

G. That you can eat anything you want without guilt if you are willing to pay more, schedule interviews with farmers and cry a few earnest tears before each meal.

H. They don’t read the Bible.

4. Plant-based diets are on the rise in popularity. How does that make you feel?

A. Mother Gaia and Father Sky always accept me in the bosom of their embrace no matter what.

B. Why the f*ck would I care? Whatever. Who cares?

C. My inner-lion is not pleased.

D. It makes me feel like the Clinton Foundation put something in the water to make us all docile and compliant. Wake up, sheeple!

E. I am a former vegan. You know, Hitler was a vegetarian. This has to have some kind of meaning, I think. Right???

F. It makes me feel like I want to dig into a medium-rare filet mignon at an invitation-only underground supperclub.

G. It makes me want to sing melancholic songs accompanied by a violin and cello on a meadow so people could understand how pastoral my soul is.

H. That I should really read the Bible again.

5. Any parting words?

A. Namaste. Also, I’m having a Full Moon gathering for world peace and love on Friday if you’d like to join us. No bad vibes, though.

B. Um, no. Nothing matters. Does that work? Why am I here?

C. Don’t forget a lion would kick your ass six ways to Sunday if given half a chance.

D. Oh, please, like I’m not being recorded by government devices as it is. No, thank you. I’ve already said enough.

E. Did I mention I was vegan? I mean, I still ate dairy and fish but I was basically a vegan. Also, I am literally allergic to literally every fruit, vegetable, grain, legume, nut and seed and they will kill me.

F. I am off to enjoy a ham and melted gruyère on brioche and…I’m sorry, what was your question?

G. You don’t have to say “no” to meat and animal products: you just need to spend more money. Much more money.

H. Genesis 1:30: “And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so”. Oh…wait.

If you answered mostly…

A
You are a Defensive Omnivore with Woo Tendencies
Special talent: You have the biggest amethyst collections on your block and you know every psychic fair within 50 miles of your home.
Natural habitat: Bathing in dew drops collected in tulips at the rainbow’s edge.
Favorite color: Purple. Always purple.

B
You are a Defensive Omnivore with Nihilist Tendences
Special talent: Not giving a f*ck about anything or anyone.
Natural habitat: Playing computer games in a darkened basement.
Favorite color: Beige.

C
You are a Defensive Omnivore with Natural Order Tendencies
Special talent: You have an ability to turn every conversation back to lions.
Natural habitat: The drive-thru.
Favorite color: Camouflage.

D
You are a Defensive Omnivore with Paranoid Tendencies
Special talent: You are familiar with every conspiracy theory that exists. In fact, you’ve invented a few.
Natural habitat: Sketching out bunker plans at your dining room table.
Favorite color: Army green.

E
You are a Defensive Omnivore with Former Vegan/Knew a Vegan Tendencies
Special Talent: You are able to extrapolate your own vague experiences to speak for veganism.
Natural habitat: Looking up symptoms on WebMD.
Favorite color: Wine

F
You are a Defensive Omnivore with Foodie Tendencies
Special talent: You have a unique gift for making your meals sound skin-crawlingly creepy and perverse.
Natural habitat: A rustic farm table with your fellow foodies at an artisan creamery in a field a convenient two-hour drive from your city apartment.
Favorite color: Veal pink.

G
You are a Defensive Omnivore with Happy Meat Tendencies
Special talent: A complete ability to jump through hoops of logic to justify your habits.
Natural habitat: Strolling the farmer’s market with meat and flowers in your wicker basket and a beatific smile on your face.
Favorite color: Anything relentlessly happy.

H
You are a Defensive Omnivore with Bible Thumping Tendencies
Special talent: You can turn every conversation back to the Bible.
Natural habitat: Middle of the pew, fifth row.
Favorite color: Sky blue.

If you have a combination, well, you are a combination platter, what can I say?

By the way, if I included every type, I’d have run out of letters. Maybe I’ll need to write a follow-up to include them? I’ve already started a list.