Dear Bacon Enthusiast,
Listen, I know how tempted you are to write “Mmm…bacon” because of your tendency to do just that when you in physical or virtual proximity to a vegan, but, honestly, it’s just so cliched and unoriginal at this point. Actually, it was tired and hackneyed ten years ago; at this point, it’s just pathetic. I think you can do better so consider this my civic duty. Here are 25 alternatives to the “Mmm…bacon” trope that will at least be something new to say. I mean, you don’t want smug-ass vegans all snickering at you, now do you?
The next time you’re tempted to say “Mmm…bacon,” because you’ve come across a vegan, try one of these handy lines instead…
1. Bacon consumption has resulted in a waxy plaque buildup in my arteries, which limits the oxygen flow to my brain.
2. I have never read a book of my own volition.
3. I did one of those ancestry tests and it came back “Who cares?”
4. I resent that you are not a pod person like me.
5. I haven’t had an original thought since July 23, 2001.
6. My soul has less depth than a puddle on a 96-degree day.
7. I woke up on the wrong side of history.
8. Seeing people with principles fills me with an existential angst that is so painful that I have to say “mmm…bacon” to stop myself from free-falling onto the rocky shores of despair.
9. Honestly, I’m just really bored.
10. My fingers type things before my brain realizes it.
11. Being emotionally stunted and predictable is kind of my thing.
12. I haven’t had a satisfactory bowel movement since childhood.
13. My obsession with salted, smoked pig flesh borders on necrophilia in a way that makes even me uncomfortable so…can I just leave it at that?
14. I have not fully accepted that I’m an incel yet so I think trolling vegans with knee-jerk bacon comments will keep me occupied until that happens.
15. I usually say, “Mmm…bacon” because saying, “God, I hate my life so much” seems like a little too much of a buzzkill.
16. I have an app that finds vegans and just automatically types stupid, random shit about bacon.
17. The Toxic Mold Syndrome I have from living in my parents’ basement has seeped into my brain.
18. I think it’s profoundly unfair that I am not able to say whatever I want without looking like a clown afterwards.
19. I haven’t felt an actual recognizable emotion in the region of my chest with the exception of resentment and anger since the last century.
20. Quite simply, your existence as a vegan makes me feel inadequate.
21. Russian spies have implanted a chip in me that makes me want me to say, “Mmm…bacon” and vote for Republicans. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
22. I cannot imagine actually caring about anything so I’m at a loss.
23. I feel I should say something to assuage my guilt but I don’t want to really work too hard on it so I’ll just leave this here.
24. My roommate’s senile parrot hacked into my Facebook account once and it was my most coherent day on social media.
25. Having had my brain warped by the patriarchal, capitalist system that is in its final death throes, it’s kind of to be expected that I will say anxious, stupid shit.
You’re welcome. Feel free to choose what works best for you.