Witches are known for being anti-establishment, resourceful, independent and deeply connected to the natural world, so is it any surprise that vegans have a natural affinity for witchery? Here are at least six kinds of vegan witch archetypes to know. We are vitches, baby. If you’re a vegan, you may be a broom-carrying member of one or more yourself. (I am using the term witch here, but feel free to substitute wizard or any other magical persona.)
1. Kitchen Witch
My cauldron overfloweth.
One of the most influential and prominent vitch archetypes, Kitchen Witches are artisans who work their sorcery through fabulous culinary creations, whether they are using food as a form of outreach, helping people troubleshoot converting a recipe to vegan or just nourishing herself and the planet through gorgeous plant-based sustenance. Many vegan KWs grew up with a great cook in the family, but others may have discovered their latent powers when they went vegan; today, they use their craft to show the world how delicious and beautiful animal-free food is, whether it’s in person or on the internet. The KW always has something bubbling on the stove or fermenting in a dark corner of her favorite room, the kitchen. This vitch is a little sweet, a little sour and a little spicy but her cupboard is never bare.
2. Green Witch
Yes, I buy baking soda in bulk. What of it?
Well, all vegans are earth protectors by default but vitches in the Green Witch tradition bring it to the next level. Paper towels are a personal insult and there is no cleaning product she cannot make a better version of herself using baking soda, vinegar and a wee bit of magic. The GW always has something brewing on a kitchen counter, whether they’re orange rinds in vinegar for an intoxicating citrus cleaner or onion skins soaking in water to make a pretty vegetable dye — she lives by the credo of “waste not, want not” — so anyone who lives with a GW knows to ask first before dumping out any of her precious experiments lest they incur her witchy, righteous fury. Until she learns how to fly a broom, the GW’s preferred mode of transportation is her bicycle but public transit is also acceptable.
3. Nature Witch
Newts and frogs are safe around me.
Distinct from Green Witches but with many areas of overlap, vegan Nature Witches can be found hugging trees, talking to bunnies, climbing mountains, staring at clouds, communing with crows, splashing in natural bodies of water and identifying mushrooms and herbs whenever she is outdoors, which is often because that is where she’s happiest, ideally without shoes. You might think of these vitches as spacey hippies but they are not: they’re just tuned in to a totally different frequency, feeling more connection to seasons, ocean tides and moon phases than abiding by human pleasantries. Don’t ever mess with nature or animals in the vicinity of a NW, though, unless you want to find out exactly how not a peacenik this vitch can be when defending Mother Gaia and her creatures.
4. Solitary Witch
It’s not you, it’s me. Actually, it is kind of you.
Solitary Witches of this vitch variety exemplify the independence and self-reliance of witches in general, but take it up a few notches on the dial by just not being all that into the human species. When someone knows what they know, who could blame them? You won’t find many SWs doing much vegan outreach or activism out of the comfort of their homes because they really wither from too much human interaction, though they may be coaxed out of hiding once or twice a year for a social occasion, like a vegan potluck. SWs have the best book collections, recommendations and playlists if you can get one to talk to you. It is worth having at least one SW as a close friend as she will understand your bruised and battered vegan heart better than anyone. (Go to a Nature Witch, though, for a fabulous remedy.)
5. Activist Witch
1, 2, 3, 4, I’m the one we’ve been waiting for!
Unlike her more secluded and retiring cousins above, vegan Activist Witches, or Activitches, are always up for a good hexing, some spirited chanting and leather-free boot stomping to force the kind of change they want to see in the world. Shrinking violets, they are not. Always a little extra, you can never accuse an AW of being a keyboard warrior, because although they don’t shy away from online activism, these vitches really shine when they are in the trenches, talking to people protesting, cackling at counter-protestors, going to rallies, even getting arrested for the cause. The AW has a basement full of protest signs and is always making sure she has extra batteries on hand for her megaphone; just the sight of her and her friends is known to make even the most ruthless CEO run for cover.
6. Internet Witch
I am backed up, plugged in and fully charged.
Vegan Internet Witches are a little like Activist Witches but they prefer to weave their magic online, fully embracing computers and phones like how the Nature Witch is drawn to herbs and the natural world. Vegan IWs are a force to be reckoned with on behalf of the animals, orchestrating boycotts, organizing fundraisers, setting up petitions and initiating email campaigns before most people even have their first cup of coffee. While this vitch may do most of her work behind a screen, a slacktivist she is not; IWs have figured out how to harness technology for saving the animals and the planet. Isn’t that kind of bad-ass?
Which kind of vegan witch are you? All of the above? None? Happy hauntings, vitches!