They say Susan B. Anthony was a nasty woman — trust me, I know the type — and she probably had blood coming all out of her…whatever…but I am pardoning her today because I feel sorry for her and I hold the awesome power of presidency. I mean, it’s really awesome.
Anyway, she was not my type, definitely has a reputation as a whiner and was not much to look at — I like to call her Shabby Susan — but I’m feeling, what’s the word? Generous. I looked her up. She has no Twitter followers. Can you believe that? I have millions. She did something or another for women and there’s never been a bigger supporter of women than I am. I think that’s obvious. Millions of people who have never heard of Sara P. Anderson will hear of her now. Anyway, here you go. You’re pardoned. You’re welcome, not that I’m expecting a thanks. The Fake News will probably say I screwed this all up, just watch.
Someone I will not be pardoning is Michelle Obama. She’s another nasty one. Can you believe she got the U.S. deaths caused by the China Virus wrong by 20,000 because she pre-recorded her speech last night at that Democrat-Sleepy Joe thing? I mean, way more have died on my watch by now but did she get that right? No. I don’t expect to get proper credit from these people, though.
Anyway, where were we? Sandy C. Anthrax did some things. I hear she’s on a coin. Do I get credit for that, though? No. Are we done here now? Thanks.
Congratulations, Susie. Pardon you.”