Vegans of the Zodiac
If you hate astrology, keep it moving. If you love astrology but hate this, you can always keep it moving, too.
Here are the 12 zodiac signs as vegans. Fight me. Actually, don’t fight me. I have a Cancer moon; I’m a lover, not a fighter.
• Dreams of going on a national speaking tour and filling stadiums with soon-to-be vegans.
• Comes up with inspiring protest chants in the shower.
• Secretly wishes other people take charge more but unwilling to cede control.
• Dreams of living alone on a mountaintop; all food is airdropped, delicious and plentiful.
• Will raise all the funds for all the animal rights causes and balance that budget correctly even if it means missing out on their second nap.
• Secretly wishes they’d still had that second nap. If they could do activism in their sleep, life would be perfect.
• Dreams of putting on a one-person performance with lots of show-stopping monologues about the evils of animal agribusiness. Will do a test run for you whether you want to see it or not.
• Can converse with all kinds of people due to their multiple personalities, which makes them great at outreach.
• Secretly is working on a roman à clef about the goings-on at one of the largest animal welfare organizations. Will let you see an early draft.
• Dreams of making their home as comfortable and soothing as possible for all their animal friends and their matching pajamas.
• Has a favorite ice cream spoon, a favorite spatula, a favorite burner on the stove, a favorite way to slice tofu and a favorite brand of nutritional yeast. Don’t you?
• Secretly wishes to never leave the house again. (Okay, that’s not exactly secret).
• Dreams of creating the singular artistic vision that will get everyone to stop eating animals at once. Applause, tears, accolades!
• Has come up with an idea for the world’s most glamorous and titillating animal rescuer reality series.
• Secretly just wants to slum around in sweatpants once in a while but the Leo MUST inspire. Being a born influencer is a lot of pressure.
• Dreams of helping every vegan and animal advocacy nonprofit be run logically, efficiently and effectively.
• Will insist on investigating every organization thoroughly before donating a single virtuous cent.
• Secretly gets a little hot and sweaty at the words “effective altruism.” Also: Not secret.
• Dreams of rescuing all the animals, whether or not they are in peril.
• Trying to create peace, harmony and mutual respect between the various vegan factions. (Trying is the operative word.)
• Secretly just wants to yell at the anti-vegan trolls just once in a while and maybe even use a harsher word than “darn.”
• Will make the New Vegan World Order happen through their laser-sharp focus and sheer force of will alone.
• If their vision is a little dark, intense and controlling, so be it: Mollycoddling is not in their communication skill set. Deal with it.
• Secretly wishes everyone would just let them take over already.
• Dreams of galloping the world and spreading the vegan message hither and yon. Also, wants to visit every sanctuary on the globe in their lifetime. Hey, that’s a great idea for a blog!
• If matchmaking, networking and generally being a super-connector helps the cause for the animals, the Sag will figure it out.
• Secretly does not spend as much time regretting what they’ve blurted out as you might think.
• Dreams of opening a school for other vegans to learn how to be more responsible, more organized and less flaky. There is a 30-page application and you will need at least five references. Make that ten.
• Offers to organize your piles of paper and mail because isn’t it hard to be a good activist around such clutter?
• Secretly fantasizes about what they’d put in a junk drawer.
• Dreams of preparing woodland creatures for the upcoming revolution.
• Holds a fundraiser for all the important causes at once but forgets to go. The fundraiser itself is unforgettable, though.
• Secretly watches videos of hunting accidents and has a good chuckle.
• Dreams of joining the Sea Shepherd to combine their love of water with saving animals.
• Is drawing up a plan for getting an animal paw reading business going.
• Secretly believes that if everyone wore soothing tones of pink, purple and blue more often, we could shift our global consciousness. Unicorns, rainbows, mermaids and ladybugs also appreciated.
Marla Rose is an Aquarius sun, Cancer moon and Aquarius rising, as well as co-founding partner of VeganStreet.com and VeganStreetMedia.com. Please follow on Medium to get updates when each new article is posted and find us on Instagram.