Who Among Us, Markwayne Mullin Wants to Know

As Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-Oklahoma) asked rhetorically and in so many words, “Who among us has not shown up to cast our votes while drunk?” in his defense of Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth at a confirmation hearing on Tuesday, as he jabbed his index finger at the others in the chamber, his voice heavy with emotion, it was as if I was being called out myself.

I had to ask, who among us hasn’t shown up drunk to cast votes in six-figure salary jobs that decide whether Ukrainians will have defense weapons against Russia’s invasion or women in this country can choose to live or die with a risky pregnancy?

Who, like Hegseth, hasn’t allegedly had the smell of alcohol on our breath before we co-anchored our weekend nationally televised program? Who hasn’t needed to be restrained at strip clubs because we were so inebriated that we were trying to climb on the stage with the dancers at team outings? Who hasn’t done whistleblower reports filed on them for drunkenness is going to manage the Pentagon and its three million military and civilian personnel, I ask you? Who hasn’t thrown a freaking axe live on air that hit a drummer with the U.S. Military Academy? It’s all of us, if we’re being honest.

Who hasn’t led two nonprofits into the ground, plummeting revenues from the first in two short years from $8.7 million to $265,000, and with the other, spending more money than it raised? Who hasn’t had yet more whistleblower reports for financial mismanagement on them like Mr. Hegseth, who is nominated to run a department with an $852.2 billion budget? What makes you think you’re so high and mighty, Senator Mullin demands to know, as he jabs an extra-jabby finger in your direction.

Senator Mullin further inveighed, how many in this room have not cheated on their wives, resulting in a divorce? How many, Markwayne? For that matter, who, like Hegseth, gotten married to our high school sweetheart, gotten divorced after admitting to numerous affairs, gotten married again, had three children, had a child with an executive producer for our network while married to our second wife (who was also married with three previous children), gotten divorced again, and married our third wife, the one with whom we had a baby while married to wife number two? Who among us, I ask? Who among us hasn’t had to settle with an accuser of sexual assault and have an NDA signed by her for a consensual-thing-that-still-never-happened two months after our child was born with our future third wife? WHO AMONG US???

Hypocrites.

While I’m at it, who hasn’t challenged the president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters to a physical fight at a congressional hearing and had to have Senator Bernie Sanders intervene repeatedly, like Senator Mullin himself? I mean, this sounds like a regular weekday to me. And who hasn’t received perhaps up to $1.4 million from the Paycheck Protection Program, like Mullin, but still stood against student debt forgiveness? All of us, that’s who.

Who hasn’t ended their defense of a man like Pete Hegseth by saying that his wife’s love for the drunk serial adulterer with whom she cheated was greater than the actions that made him a terrible partner, just like Mullin’s wife herself decided to accept whatever unspoken bullshit he put her through rather than throw his ass in prison? Who hasn’t invoked Jesus and mangled idioms while behaving intoxicated themselves?

Who among us? I rest my case.

PS — I am still jabbing my pointing finger at you if you hadn’t noticed.